Something that broke me…and how I used it to grow personally

GOD IS SO GOOD

I really never wanted to share this publicly. And I actually have a physical knot in my stomach sharing this (the people close to me know that vulnerability is NOT my fortè). But God put this on my heart, and I hope it can help just one person.

This February looks a lot different than this time last year. I wrote this journal entry above in my notes app almost exactly a year ago. Today, I’m writing this as I claim a huge victory over something that took complete control of my life.

I knew from a young age that I always wanted to be a mom. I literally CHOSE my exact career path because I knew at 15 years old thinking about college that I wanted to be a working mom with enough free time to focus on her family. I forewent LOTS of cool opportunities in my past because I wanted a specific path for my life and had a very clear end goal. I worked every day toward this career goal that would allow me to have a healthy family life.

I lived in that identity for 15 years. 

For the last 5 years, I’ve seen doctor after doctor trying to get down to the root of my hormone and health issues…getting bad news after bad news. After seeing my first fertility doctor in December 2021, I received very, very, earth-shatteringly bad news.

It’s like I visibly watched a piece of paper with a photo of my hopes and dreams for my life fly into a fire and very quickly turn into ash.

And like a foundation built on sand after a 9.0 earthquake, the fragile structure that propped up my entire identity disintegrated below me. As you can imagine, the dreams and identity that I had for 15 years completely vaporized…it’s like I visibly watched a piece of paper with a photo of my hopes and dreams for my life fly into a fire and very quickly turn into ash.

It completely devastated me. There were times when I felt useless, like I had no reason to be on this earth. I didn’t see a purpose for being here anymore.I felt hopeless, lost, and absolutely crushed. My entire body and soul were so heavy, and I feel the weight as I’m writing this right now. 

I didn’t see a purpose for being here anymore.

There were times when I was so entrenched in the darkness – for people who have experienced this before, we call it “the black hole” – that I didn’t see a way out. It was terrifying and it crippled my every waking second. I would try to climb out with sheer strength, but every time I saw a gleam of daylight, something would forcibly shove me back down and I would fall even deeper and harder. Dark thoughts and emptiness took over my life. I laid in bed for days at a time, didn’t look at my phone, couldn’t even watch TV or respond to an email. Just stared blankly at the ceiling because if I closed my eyes I would only see things I didn’t want to see. It affected every single relationship I have in some way. There’s still so much repairing to do, but I’m thankful for the grace that people have given me through this process. 

Did a positive pregnancy test fix this and lift me out of my deep, dark place? No. I still haven’t had one. That would have been too easy. I had to do internal growth first and rebuild the foundation of my life. Since the identity I once had is gone, I had to build a new one. 

This time, I knew that a rickety, uneven foundation in sand would only last me until the next inevitable quake.

But this time, I knew that a rickety, uneven foundation in sand would only last me until the next inevitable quake. I had been trying for years to build on my own and it was shoddy work. I don’t know how to build the right way. I’m just winging it. I am so not qualified to do this on my own. I knew immediately that I needed God’s help. So I leaned into the spirituality that I once knew years ago and put all my energy (what little of it that I had) into the relationship that matters the most,…the one I had been neglecting for the last decade (with the very architect of this entire universe, mind you!), while I was trying to build myself a crappy, wood-framed house on an uneven foundation.

Writing this now, it sounds so RIDICULOUS that I tried to do all of this on my own for so long while the whole time having the FREE help and expertise of the the literal best life expert in history at my fingertips. That’s like trying to teach yourself stock trading while Warren Buffet is sitting there beside you, BEGGING to give you free advice. I had God right beside me watching me do this alone, saying “I WANT TO HELP YOU!” the entire time! And I tuned Him out.

But together, we started slowly and steadily rebuilding brick by brick…each with complete intention and care. 

Through this journey, I’ve found that my identity isn’t in anything on this Earth. It’s not in my family or future family…it’s not in my career, recognition, or net worth…it’s not in my social life, travels, or homesteading. My identity is in God. I am a dear child of God who is here to love, serve, and be who He wants me to be. My life isn’t my own, and I’m here to be used for a way higher purpose, something so much more important than even being a mother. The only reason I am still here right now is because of God’s warm embrace, even after a decade of putting our relationship on the back burner. The only reason I am able to be here writing this is because I put focus on my relationship with Him and leaned into my spirituality with no walls up…guard completely down, arms wide open. While I felt like my burden was too heavy to give to someone else…Danny, my friends or family, it wasn’t too heavy for God.

Today I can say that I’m out of that black hole. But I can’t lie – sometimes I trip and my foot gets stuck. This gaping hole is going to be here while I do some work to fill it. And while I’m filling it, I’ll probably slide in a few inches. Maybe I’ll stand up here and look down in there, tempted to purposely jump in because it’s easier that way. But I know that this time I have a God that will catch my arm before I fall in completely.

There is purpose in my pain.

I’m now able to take this and turn it into my testimony, be more empathetic and understanding towards others, and be someone that people going through similar struggles can feel comfortable opening up to when they’re deep in the hole.

Some things I did to help the grieving process:

Someone on Instagram asked me how I finally got the strength to get out of bed. And boy that was a soul crushing question. Whoever asked it is obviously in so much pain and I feel that. So here are some things I did. Were they the right/wrong things to do? I don’t know. Everyone has their own process. But if I went back, I don’t know what I could have possibly done differently given my state.

• First, I allowed myself some time to grieve. I knew it had to happen. I went a few weeks without talking to anyone, didn’t go on social media at all, and barely showed up in my work. Was it the best way? I don’t know. There was damage done, and not everyone understood. Which definitely added to the pain but it was necessary to be off the grid for my mental health.
• I gave myself a specific time limit because I knew it couldn’t last forever. The “new leaf” had to turn on a certain day whether I liked it or not. Life had to go on, otherwise I feared that it literally wouldn’t. I think I gave myself a full month of grace period.
• Even though I didn’t have the energy or mindset to do them, I forced myself to do small things during the grace period. It started with just turning some of my favorite worship songs on That’s when I made my Spotify playlist (look up “God is Good” by Nohealani17). Then, I made sure to get some sun for at least a minute every day. And I would force myself to fake smile. Like in a weird, creepy way lol I would lay in bed and just smile for a whole minute, hoping it would trigger something in my brain. They say it helps. I would go back and watch past church services, and start talking to God little by little.
• Oh, and I got a puppy! That’s how we ended up with Watson 🙂

I did not have the energy to do any of this, I just forced myself to because I knew I had to do something eventually because I couldn’t live this way forever. The pain doesn’t go away, I don’t think it ever will. But the management of it will get better over time. I literally got whiplash for over a year going back and forth between “it’s all in God’s timing, trust the process” and angry, resentful, bitter and negative.